Some reflections about the past couple of days, and what has been nagging up here in my head. A real struggle exists for me right now balancing between living and embracing my free spirit, my understanding of realities of life, and the hard and practical duties in my life right now.

Are they meant to be separated and distinct right from the start?

An honest answer to that would be a resounding no. There seems to be a middle ground, and there seems to be a place where I can embrace in totality the truths of life which I understand it and the everydayness of life. But right now, that is not the case for me. At this juncture, life seems to be offering a lot for me, so much that I feel at times inadequate to handle, and beat myself up for that. Maybe I don't have to do anything at all, and maybe this worry and doubt is really inconsequential. Right now, I have no concept of myself. I cannot for one, know who I am.

There are a lot of things which I am genuinely thankful and grateful for, but there are also things which I ... perhaps choose to avoid embracing. I feel like I'm constantly trapped in this cycle, and there seems to be no way out. The battle is always lost. Or maybe it is just what it is. Be satisfied that I'll never be satisfied. Yet, and of course be satisfied that that is not a satisfactory answer.

Every single moment offers an opportunity to practice what I learn, to play this game called life. What's it like out there with other people? With the both of you. How come people all seem and look ok, but in fact there's so much turmoil underneath which is unspoken, covered, even a boon to speak and express it? Maybe we think that we are the only ones fighting this battle alone, but hey, everyone's in it together. Where is the love? Why don't we understand, that everyone just wants to live?

When will the day come when we all awake from this slumber? When we all can come together in peace? When we can walk on the streets and hug another fellow human being freely? When our kids grow up, and all they know is that the world awaits their coming? When a Chinese, Indian, Malay, Japanese, Korean, American, French, Ethiopian, Ghanian, Brazillian see each other not as separate nationals but one of citizen of the world? When will the day come when we finally understood the meaning of love? When we appreciate the waterfalls, the valleys, the mountains, the rainforests like we appreciate our homes? When will the day come when existence of Earth is joy to every single individual? I await that day. I pray.